job vacancy

i've been offered and recommended a motley array of jobs since i left the artshop, from working for the civil defence to being a writer and doing retail.. but this latest email from good pal Lynn takes the cake..

UNCLE HO WANTS YOU!

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Uncle Ho Holdings, Malaysia's largest manufacturer, distributor and retailer of quality pirated and bootleg VCDs, DVDs, Audio CDs, CD-ROMS seeks suitable candidates for our rapidly expanding organisation.

From our humble beginnings in Petaling Street in 1998, we are Currently operating more than 68,000 outlets in the Klang Valley & Johor Baru. We have managed to secure at least 4 stalls outside every convenience shop, 8 stalls outside every coffee shop and 50 stalls at every pasar malam.

We're expanding into every housing and commercial areas, making us the biggest outdoor retailing company in the world with over 16 million discs sold daily.

Our high-tech multi million ringgit manufacturing facilities are now operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws.

We are gearing for an IPO(Initial Public Offering) and are in the process of applying for MSC status as Malaysia's largest multimedia company.


Be a Franchisee
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We offer exciting and profitable franchising opportunities for retrenched workers, unemployed individuals and ex-convicts. - Set-up cost is a low RM500, including an inventory of 150 titles, portable iron stands, plywood and red table cloth. - As the franchisor, we'll provide you with protection against local gangsters, unsatisfied customers, enforcement officers and post bail if required.

All confiscated items are our responsibilty and will be returned to you within 2 working days. - You will be rotated with other resellers from nearby areas to reduce the rate of return or exchange for defective copies.

- For an additional investment of RM1200, a battered 25-year-old car will be provided as a mobile store. - As part of the Uncle Ho Network, you'll be provided with access to VIEWS (tm)(VCD Inspectors Early Warning System). By placing well trained informers in every enforcement agencies, we're able to eliminate the 'surprise element'.

- While we take every precaution to warn you of impending raids, we highly recommend the purchase of an unlicensed walkie talkie. You'll be able to network with other franchisees through the wireless system and receive additional news and warnings. As the largest purchaser of Motorola GP300 Walkie Talkies, we're also able to supply you units at very Attractive prices.

Our Mission Statement
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- To provide Malaysian youths with employment and a stable source of income. - To help promote Malaysia as the top regional technology and multimedia hub in the true spirit of 'Malaysia Boleh'.

- To make available in Malaysia the latest blockbuster 30 days before its international release.

- To fight American hegemony by reducing the profits of Hollywood studios and Bill Gates. - To place a stall every 25 feet on every five foot ways throughout Malaysia. - To reduce the rate of defective discs to 25%. - To send every VHS player into early retirement and to achieve total extinction of the format by by 2004.

Join Us Full Time (Vacancies Available KL/PJ/Cyberjaya)

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Reseller (26,000 positions, Nationwide)
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Job Description: Operate mobile five-foot way stalls.

Requirements: Preferably chinese males aged 16 - 22 with blond hair. Possession of own waist pouch to store X-Rated titles will be an added advantage.

Benefits: Flexi-hours and additional one 'day off' each year during major annual operasi.


Graphic Artist (3 positions, Cyberjaya)
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Job Description: Design covers/inlays for movie titles. Copy latest movie listings from IMDB's website. Requirements: Very rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop. Ability to design blockbuster-looking or porno-looking covers for mediocre movies will be an added advantage. Benefits: Free 10 copies of (pirated) software programs every month.


Camera Operator (15 positions, Klang Valley)
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Job Description: Capture movies being screened in cinemas without being noticed. Requirements: Ability to operate camcorder. Good knowledge of seating positions in major cineplexes so as to capture entire screen without tilt or distortion. Ability to hold your cough for 90 minutes and munch popcorn silently is an added advantage.

Benefits: Free popcorn and movie passes every month.

Purchasing Officer (1 position, Cyberjaya)
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Job Description: To buy back consficated items at a reasonable price.

Requirements: Preferably Malays. Good negotiation skills. Ex-employees of city and town councils are encouraged to apply.

Benefits: Easy settling of parking summons and other fines.


Please send your resume to:

The Group Human Resource Manager.

Syarikat Kumpulan Uncle Ho VCD, DVD, CD, CD-ROM Holdings & Group Of Companies (Malaysia)(1998) Sdn Bhd.
E-Mail: carikerja_uncleho@m...

Community Service / News / Promotions

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* As a responsible corporate citizen, we provide free Video-to-VCD conversion for all MAS cabin crew, subject to subject in video. * We offer big discounts on (un-sellable) art house films and award-winning Iranian movies as a way of promoting quality films to the masses. * Mother's Day Special - Special pack of 10 movies to watch with your mother non-stop this Sunday.

Guaranteed no sex scenes. Promotional price: RM 30

* New stalls opening in front of KLIA Main Terminal Building this June & in Taman Negara this July.